Easter Sunday

Today was an emotional rollercoaster, Easter Sunday. Izzy and I went to Easter service at the Methodist Church half a block away from our new house. I am sure some of you whom know me are saying "You, In Church'? Well first off, Its a liberal church with a female clergy....Second, Here I am a stranger in a strange land and was for all intents and purposes left stranded with my four year old daughter in a town of 10 thousand people with a months rent paid and 100 dollars in the bank( Exactly where the other 6 thousand and 9 hundred I deposited last month went is a mystery that only Mommy knows and she ain't talkin') .

It was not so much a turn to Jesus cause times are dark (Think Jailhouse Christian) but a very thought out move to integrate myself AND my daughter into a community that might easily count me as a pariah. I could easily enough deal with that but I have my child to consider first and for her to be judged by a new community by her fathers possible reputation is too much for me to bear. I am going to fit in damn it and frankly, Izzy needs playmates and any indoctrination issue are swiftly sorted out by pariah daddy within the privacy of our love filled home. Church only made me ask tough questions when I was a child and I think I am more qualified to answer those questions from Izzy than my parents were to answer mine at the same age. My parents sent me off to church alone at 5 and 6 years old three blocks away so they could fuck on sunday morning, That is when they were grunting at each other enough to communicate that base desire.

Izzy was good throughout most of the service considering that due to the easter service the childrens sunday school was cancelled. The service was "nice" and brief enough that a child could have just enough time to avoid a meltdown. There were two hymns that I particularly enjoyed, One even jostled a memory loose from childhood and took me back to attending church with my Grandparents whom ultimately were yoked with raising me. I can't imagine two more loving people ever crossing my path in this lifetime, I loved them both so deeply and profoundly. Of course I enjoyed it more when my "Grampa" Frosty took my to a small town some miles away and bought me a chocolate coke (At a real soda fountain) and would give me one dollar to spend on comic books. He would always end up swinging an extra quarter for an annual, Comics were 12 cents then.

We then returned home after church. The dog had shit on the floor and I was really not up for that. Izzy asked if there was an easter basket somewere. I felt so failed as a parent, I couldn't afford to get her anything resembling an easter basket this year. She had mild disappointment on her face and very quickly rebounded but I was left with a horrible gnawing guilt. This is when I checked MYSPACE to see if Mr. W from Screwball had sent his number as I just needed some one to talk too that was a familuar voice. Thats when I saw a bulletin that sent me over the edge from one of the MYSPACE friends that I always love hearing from. A virtual friend that I actually would like to hang with for a weekend. I am sure that we would have alot to talk about but I am more certain that we would also manage to get into some trouble too....The good kind of course. I will just repost the entire communication and preface this with yet another apology to SOB ( Axis of Evil Asshats).I also invite you to click on the links to help the various causes as they are active.

American kids eat chocolate bunnies while Somalians starve.


----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: AXIS OF EVIL ASSHATS
Date: Apr 16, 2006 8:09 AM

This is NOT a hoax. It's already been checked out by several urban legend/internet hoax sites and found to be legit.
All you do is click a button and somewhere in the world some hungry person gets a meal to eat, at no cost to you. There are other programs for women's health, literacy programs for kids, animal shelters, the rainforest and child health. Corporate sponsors who gain advertising in the process because you see their logos, pay for the food and everything else. All you do is go to the site and click. However, you're only allowed one click per day, so spread the word around. It all takes less then a minute.


click these buttons:



















The "Somolian kids without chocolate" heading twisted a guilty knife in my back.....
I replied.........

Since my daughter and I moved to Clintonville fucking WI from Chicago last week and The babies Mom split(The same day) with the only person I know here (Whom fell in "LOVE" with Mommy while returning the moving truck together). You can be assured my kid didn't get a fuckin' easter basket this year, The 100. dollars Mommy left us with didn't quite leave the budget able to obsorb the cost of an easter basket this year. That was pretty fucking tough to look my 4 year old in the eyes and tell her that the easter bunny isn't gonna make it this year.

Last month I had deposited 7000. dollars (A Disability check) into moms bank account and now the magic number is less than 100 dollars. I hope her junkie ass is happy esp. after telling my former friend that I had blacked her eye and sundry other horseshit. His problem now......Our house here is too small for all the love. Rest assured there are no chocolate bunnies here.

Shane

I quickly sent a second message:

apologies

Sorry.....Too much information and I just had a real sore spot.

Shane

The reply I got was exactly the Easter miracle I needed :

RE: apologies

I appreciate being the recipient of someone's venting, especially that of someone who I respect.

I'm really glad to know you and Izzy have each other.
=====================================================
the random act of kindness was so well timed that I held up once again.

The rest of the day was a little rough. I was sorting a box of papers, The kind of droll business papers that we humans collect, Tax forms, rent receipts ect. ect..In the middle of all these papers were a small handfull of nude photos I shot the day Mommy went to the hospital to have Izzy. We were so much in love then and things had not yet begun to fall apart.The memories painfully flooded back, lying in bed with this incredibly beautiful woman whom was with my child, gently laying my head on her swollen stomach to talk and sing to the soon to be born Izzy.Her beautiful milk swollen breasts and the gentle lovemaking that we had found as a new facet to our rich lives.

I will never forget coming home on Sept. 11 and having the despairing thought that the world my daughter would inhabit was to be so frightningly diffrent than the one I had known. It was as the expression goes "Like being gobsmacked". I am getting really used to that feeling. A call from Mommy's sister, whom had no idea what had transpired, was an ordeal and just fighting despair was the tall order of the day. Aunt J. even mentioned that her and her sister were eating in a diner in Chicago the last time that the sisters saw each other and Mommy confided that she wasn't in love with me then (THIS WAS 2 1/2 YEARS AGO). I have to say that really hurt alot.

Izzy was tired early but wanted to watch the Gary Jules video a few dozen more times(Thanks again SOB). She made me promise to get Donnie Darko for her to watch as she was intriged by Frank the Bunny (Well she loves Childs Play's Chucky too). I carried her to bed as per her request and we were going through the Daddy,scratch my back ritual and Jip the floor shitting puppy came up demanding attention. He's really a great puppy that I fear we have to get rid off due to economics but at any rate Jip is one of the dogs that likes to "talk". He sometimes tries to form words and other times he just moves his mouth in an excited way as if to communicate. Izzy always asks me what he's saying just to see what outragous shit I will make up. She might only be four (5 in October) but she is no idiot, She knows how to unbridle my most colorful and outlandish tales, which for her money, are some of the funniest things she has ever heard.

She asked me what jip was saying and I told her that he was trying to convince me that the dog turds he left on the carpoet were chocolate bunny eggs. This must have gone on for five minutes or so and we both laughed till we had tears. Jip had fun too and after Izzy went to sleep I snuck out and talked to Jan and Viva both on the phone and was left with a feeling that I am a blessed man with the friends that I have, Real world and virtual. Thank you all and Izzy and I send some of the love that spills out from our house to you all.

Steve W (Whom knows troubled times himself and is thankful he isn't me), Ilko (Whom made the austute observation that I displayed all the classic symptoms of the "Battered Woman Syndrome", Chauncy (Thanks for making the arrangements that your making,Its the right thing too do), Dave one aka. Chicago Dave for being there with perhaps the most intimate knowledge of how things fall apart, Auntie Viva for being crazy and loving as always and also Mike Miller for taking time when he has such a full plate himself, SOB for the timing and kind words and Last but not least Jan and Allan without whom the place where I stand now, Alive and nearly clearheaded, would have been nearly impossible.

Happy Easter afterall.